It’s not what you do for your children, but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings.
Ann Landers
I always find this to be a hot topic among parents, and I’m curious… do you make your children do chores? Do your children have an allowance? Each family needs to do what works for them, so please take the following for what it’s worth and my experience both as a former preschool teacher, and now as a mom.
Chores- Yay or Nay?
The first thing to decide is how you feel about chores. In our family I don’t really consider what we ask of our daughter to be chores. There are certain things she is asked to do because she is a member of our family and lives in our family home. There are also certain things she is expected to do because it is common courtesy and it’s the responsible thing to do. One thing she is in charge of is feeding the dogs. We have 2 small dogs and she keeps their food bowl full (and if she doesn’t they let her know!) and keeps their water full. Sometimes I have to remind her, but for the most part its just part of her day. Of course there are times when she doesn’t want to, but instead of getting mad and threatening to take something away or put her in time out, I just do it and say to her “I am really upset that you are making this choice. These dogs depend on us to take care of them.” Usually, by the time I am to the food bag, she has caught up and tells me she will do it. Not always but most of the time.
Other things she is expected to do is help take care of our outside animals. Yes, help take care of them. We have 4 horses and 4 laying hens, and they require twice daily feeding, stall cleaning, watering, egg gathering, and coop cleaning as needed. We also have one mare that is 27 years old this year, and with her age she gets special grain and supplements. Ada doesn’t always help in a helpful way out in the barn and I am ok with that. I don’t require it, but she does go with us. What I find is that she usually plays for a few minutes then she wants to help, so I have her water or rake the alley way of the barn. With Ada’s personality, if I required her to anything she would fight back all the way (she may get that from me…), but if it’s just something we do every day and I thank her for her help she is usually right there with me. You see, most children or even adults for that matter want to please. We have this deep rooted need for people to be happy with us. The people who say they don’t care, are usually using that as a coping mechanism for a lifetime of trying to please the wrong people, and I can say that from personal experience.
There are things that we expect of Ada that have nothing to do with chores. Those things are picking up after herself, pushing in her chair, carrying her dishes to the kitchen after a meal, helping put her clothes away after I fold them, and so on. I don’t feel like those types of things are chores. I feel like that’s just good manners, and yes they require daily reminders for now. Eventually it will just be habit I hope, but for now, lots of reminders.
Allowance and Sticker Charts
One thing we do (or don’t do) in our family that may be controversial is we do not do allowance and we don’t do sticker charts or reward charts. My main reason for not doing these things that seem to be pretty normal in most families, is the thought of paying a member of our family to participate in family life is just weird to me. I don’t really expect Ada to help with our household chores and cleaning, although she usually willingly does, but when she does help or do the things I do ask her to do, I don’t feel like I should pay her or give her a reward. We are a team, and if everyone pitches in and helps, everyone gets to go have fun. This may go back to my days as a preschool teacher, or the fact that I didn’t get an allowance or constant rewards as a child, I’m not sure. What I do know is that over the many years I was in early childhood education, I found that constant rewards don’t work. Don’t get me wrong- they do at first! The problem is that over time the novelty of a sticker for cleaning up your toys wears off and as parents we find ourselves looking for something better than a sticker. This continues and pretty soon you are buying your teen a Ferrari for putting their shoes away. Ok, that may be a slight exaggeration, but you see where I’m going with that. We all live in the same house, we all enjoy having a clean home and a functioning home, I feel that we should all contribute to that. A “thank you” or acknowledging everyone’s hard work can go a long way.
Ada has everything she needs such as clothes, good food to eat (even though she thinks it’s all gross!), and we pay for her barrel racing and sports she wants to play. We do fun things like zoo trips and the Hands On Museum and she isn’t expected to pay for any of it. As she gets older and wants something over the top of normal living expenses for herself, I will encourage her to ask around and see if anyone needs any house cleaning or yard clean up done outside of our home. I want her to grow up with a strong work ethic and to not feel like she is owed anything. It’s a delicate balance my friends, and it’s one that needs constant adjusting as children grow older.
In the End…
The bottom line is each family is different in their dynamic and their philosophy and that’s what makes life interesting! Do what works for you and your family, but always keep the end game in mind. There are definitely days when a sticker may save mom’s sanity and there is nothing wrong with that! Just keep it special, and maybe not an every day thing.
~Tara