“We cannot become what we want by remaining what we are.” ~Max Depree
Being a stay at home mom was never on my list of things to accomplish. Not even close. I knew as soon as I met my husband that I wanted to be a mom, but I was going to be a boss babe, mom-preneuer, corporate mom type. So I thought… boy how the things we think we want and need can change once we look into those little eyes for the first time.
How My Childcare Career Started
Those of you who know me now may find this funny, but I was never one of those people who just loved kids. They honestly scared the bejeepers out of me. They were loud, they made no logical sense, and they are usually covered in some kind of sticky mess.
Imagine my predicament when I desperately needed a job and scoured the help wanted ads (yes this was a long time ago) in the local paper to find a daycare assistant job was about my only option. I applied, interviewed, and was hired on the spot. Talk about absolutely terrified about what I had gotten myself into! However I had bills to pay and my parents raised me right, so I walked in with as much confidence as I could muster, and tried with all my might to be the best daycare assistant around.
When I tell you that childcare is the hardest job I have ever had, I am being very truthful with you. The first few weeks at the small in home daycare I started at were emotionally and physically draining. I cried, I told myself there was no way that I could keep doing this, but then a little blonde boy who was the “wild” child of the group completely sucked me in. He was “that” kid. You know, the one who was always in time out, rarely doing what he was supposed to be doing, and had a very hard time expressing his wants and needs in an appropriate way (that’s childcare talk for he hit people, including me…) I found that he clung to me and I had an overwhelming urge to discover what made him, and children like him, “tick”. I needed to know the why and I needed to find a way to help those children find their way.
Moving Forward
While my first daycare job was unexpected, it did end up being the beginning of an almost 20 year career working with children. It was also awful. Not everyone is cut out to work with kids, and that’s ok, as long as they realize it. I ended up leaving on my morals to be a nanny for a family that I adored and worked for for three years. When that job ended, I was set on the fact that daycare was a horrible experience and I needed to find something else because I wouldn’t do it again.
Back to the help wanted ads… and again the only thing I was qualified for that was listed was daycare assistant. I applied and got an interview. I reluctantly went.
I walked into a child’s paradise. Seriously. Led by Ms. Dawn, who to this day I credit for my career. She is an absolute angel and her childcare and guidance reignited my love for the field. A love that I had started to feel in the beginning of the first daycare, but had quickly faded. I worked for Ms. Dawn for a few years and then moved on to the place where I would finish out my career.
It was a large center and a college degree was expected if I wanted to advance within the center. I started as an assistant teacher with toddlers, and by the time I left eight years later I was the center director and had also worked hard for my Associate of Science degree in Early Childhood Education. I was a professional, and I liked it.
The Shift
During my time at the large center, I met and married David. We started our family pretty quickly after we got married and life was flowing right along. Our oldest daughter went to work with me and spent her days at the center. It seemed pretty perfect.
I kept feeling a pull to be more involved in her childhood, however, and while it wasn’t making me miserable, it was a constant nagging thought in the back of my head. It got louder over the next few years as our state government got more and more involved in early learning for the “sake of the children”. I fully understand what they were trying to do, but when you have people making the rules who have never stepped foot in a classroom, things go sideways. I started feeling like the early childhood field no longer aligned with my philosophy and how I had always seen children do best. That on top of the constant stress of being a director really started to drag me down, both mentally and physically.
Walking Away
The choice to walk away from a career I had loved and poured so much of myself into over the years didn’t come easy, and if I’m being honest I still think about going back some day. I know in my heart that will likely not happen unless I compromise some of my beliefs, and I don’t think I can do that.
My husband walked in the door one evening to my crying while cooking dinner, frantically trying to rewrite the work schedule for probably the fifth time that week due to teachers calling out and new children needing to start “right away”. He asked what was wrong and I had told him about my doctor’s appointment that day in which my doctor had told me my body was crying out for attention. She even went so far as to write me a note to take to work stating I could no longer work 40 hour weeks. Then I started crying all over again and went back to work on the schedule, while stirring dinner, while watching my daughter run around and play with our dogs. David looked right at me and said “What do you want to do about this?” I thought for a few minutes and said, very quietly, “I want to stay home and be a mom.” He didn’t even hesitate with his “Ok, then put your notice in and do that.”
It wasn’t that simple of course. I waited a solid 2 months to put my notice in. We needed to trim down our budget, and get all of our ducks in a row. I didn’t make a lot of money, but it was enough that we definitely needed to prepare for my salary to leave. It was also very emotional for me to leave. I started working for that center before it was even open and I felt such a huge sense of pride with it. I had poured everything into it for so long, leaving left a huge void in me.
Looking Back
I should have done it sooner. There are still days that I miss it and everything I had worked so hard for, but those days are few and far between now. My physical health, while still a balancing act and constant focus, has improved greatly. My stress level is much lower, and has shifted to regular ol’ mom stress these days. You know, the kind of stress that sounds like “have my kids brushed their teeth today?” or “Did she finish her homework?”
My mood has also improved by leaps and bounds. You never really realize how far you’ve sunk emotionally until you start to pull yourself out.
Most importantly, I enjoy my family. I’m so sad to admit this to you all, but while I was busy being a “boss babe” I had a hard time turning it off. I didn’t want to tidy my house, cook dinner, play with my kids, or spend time with my husband because I had tasks to get done that I had brought home with me. While I am upset with myself for missing all of that time, I would like to think I am where I belong now and I am making up for it with cooking projects with the girls, barrel races, tball games, and just all around wild, crazy, kid fun.
