The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.

Ewan McGregor

I was at our local grocery store yesterday standing in line to pay for the makings of our oldest daughter’s preschool snack. Like any other child in America, she asked if she could have a “treat”. You know… all of those sugar filled candies and goodies that are eye level at the check out stand? I told her no and continued putting our things on the check stand. She said ok and started helping me. I really didn’t think anything of it because she is generally just a mild natured child and it wasn’t out of the ordinary for her to just say ok and move on. While we were waiting our turn, a lady told me how refreshing it was to see a child be ok with being told no. There was small talk and I smiled and said thank you, but it really got my wheels turning. What if my daughter would have thrown a fit or had a full on meltdown? Would that make me any less of a good mom?

Let’s be honest- we have all seen (or been the parent to) a child having a loud moment of despair in a store. They are usually right next to a mom who looks like she wants to hide from the stares, or cry, or is trying her hardest to pretend it isn’t happening. It happens. Kids are human too and it is wild to think that they should be on point every day at every moment. Adults aren’t, so why do we expect that from our children?

I will admit, I have had amazing luck with our girls so far. They are both pretty mild natured most of the time, and are generally pretty happy. Don’t let that fool you though! If you think for one minute that right after our pleasant experience in the grocery store my daughter didn’t have a meltdown of epic proportions in the car because I didn’t buy her hotdogs, you’d be sadly mistaken. Because I do get asked fairly often how I have gotten our girls to do so well in stores and restaurants, I thought I would share my top 5 tips for success.

Be Prepared

This means you! I am talking, have yourself prepared for the trip. Make a list for each place you are going, know where you are going and don’t underestimate how long it will take. Things just take longer with kids, so be sure your are realistic with the amount of places you want to go. If you are a family that has a harder time going out with your kids, start small. Maybe just one stop for the day and focus on making that a good trip!

If I am familiar with the store I am going to for groceries, I will even write my list according to where things are in the store. This greatly lessons the time I am there, plus it keeps my budget on track because I’m not wandering.

Having yourself prepared keeps your stress down, which in turn keeps your children’s stress down. They feel when we are frazzled and they usually mirror that emotion. When we give them a confident, calm emotion to mirror, the whole day flows smoother.

Explain, Explain, Explain

Children have a great need for control and understanding. They want to know what is coming, what to expect, and what comes next. Knowing these things helps them feel in control of their world and helps to minimize the stress. I usually run through the day’s events with our oldest at breakfast so she knows what the day will be like. Our littlest lady is only 2 months old, so she still just smiles along for the ride, but she will soon become part of these conversations as well.

I lay out the activities that are must do- grocery trips, doctor appointments, etc., then I will let her know the maybe things like bike rides, park trips, a project around the house, etc. She asks questions throughout the day as to what is next and how much longer she has before it is time to leave for the next thing, but it really helps her feel in control, which minimizes outbursts. This doesn’t mean they never happen, they just don’t happen as often.

It’s also a great idea to let your toddlers and older children pick some things to fill in the gaps in your trip schedule for the day. For example, if I know we are going to be done with a grocery trip and will have an hour or so before lunch time, I will ask what she would like to do during that time. She almost always picks the park, so she knows as soon as we are done with groceries it’s her time. It gives her something to look forward to.

Know Your Kids Daily Routine

Most families have a schedule throughout the day, and if you don’t, please start one! Routine with children is so important. Meals, naps, playtime, etc. should happen at predictable times. This helps you plan your day, and again let’s your children know what to expect.

Knowing when your children will likely be hungry, and when they will most likely be tired will help you be successful with trips to town as well. Don’t head to Walmart 20 minutes before lunch time. Hungry kids turn into hangry kids and it will not be fun. Same goes for nap time. Don’t plan a huge grocery haul right before nap time because the chaos that will follow you through that store will be big! My favorite time of day to do any shopping is right after breakfast. They are fed, fresh from hopefully having a good night’s sleep, and the time goes smoothly. Then we can usually be home in time for lunch and nap time if your child still naps. Mine hasn’t since before she was 2. (Insert a major eye roll here! I have my fingers crossed our baby will be a better napper)

Stay Calm

It’s going to happen. You prepared, you explained, you set out at the perfect time of day, yet your child is stomping her foot and telling you that you are the meanest mom on the planet because you won’t buy her a box of 80 corndogs at Costco. Yes this happened to me… yesterday ha! The most important thing to remember in this moment is to stay calm. In this moment with my daughter, I knew she was feeling out of control. I have done a major over haul on how we eat and unfortunately a lot of the things she wanted to buy were a no. I of course, still allow her to eat a corndog occasionally when she wants one because I don’t think any diet should completely restrict a food, we just didn’t need 80 of them. One is plenty. It was time to take a deep breath, crouch down to her level (VERY important!) and explain to her that corndogs are a treat and we didn’t need a box that big, however we did need to buy some new snacks for the snack cupboard and she could help me pick those out. She was still upset at me, however because I remained calm and explained why we wouldn’t be purchasing a gigantic box of corndogs, she agreed and we moved on.

Here’s another thing. People are going to stare. People are going to judge. Let them. Let them live in their judgy little world in the freezer aisle at Costco. Odds are, I will never see them again, and honestly even if I did, they don’t live in our home and they don’t live my life. Your job is to be the best mom you can be, and if that means explaining “why” in the aisle at the grocery store gets you a glare from a cranky ol’ bitty, so be it. You are raising well rounded individuals who will know how to handle emotions and navigate disappointment as an adult, because you told them you weren’t buying 80 corndogs. By staying calm and standing your ground, the time will come when you say “no” and your child says “ok” and moves on.

You Have to Take Them

Bottom line- you have to take your children out to give them the opportunity to learn how to act when they are out. Children will never learn what is expected of them if we leave them home with a sitter or family every time we go somewhere. Don’t get me wrong, a trip to the grocery store alone is amazing, and you bet your sweet self if I get the chance I do it! But more often that not, my girls go with me. Home is kind of their safe base camp and it’s predictable. When we take them to the store there are new people, new sounds, new smells, the lighting is different, and it’s loud. All of these things can become very overwhelming for kids, and while we can’t change the music playing at the store, we can help our children navigate the situation, but we can’t help them navigate unless they are there with us.

I know the past couple of years have made it hard to take kids out, if not impossible. It is our job to start taking them now. Some of these younger children have never eaten in a restaurant or cruised the aisle at the local grocery store, and it will be a big adjustment for them. Be patient and acknowledge their feelings, but don’t forget to have some grace with yourself. Always have grace for yourself. Parenting is hard, but such a blessed journey to take.

~Tara